As I turn my back on the empty space where you used to be, sleep abandons me to the cold void. My body exhausted, my mind races with no finish line in sight. Time is my enemy and my saviour. Years fly by me in a heartbeat as truths unfold in the dark of night.
“Please stop arguing and I wish we could be A proper family again”. The note you gave me, and your mum, as we sat, and we fought the old fight. A penny dropping hard from an extraordinary height. The thought that I’d had, that you’re coping so well, so far from the truth, it is…
No anchor to hold me, no sails to drive me, no rudder to steer me. Cast off into a sea of emotion, unable to find my way, unable to plot my course.
Broken. Pieces scattered. Some missing. Some gone for good. Holding as much together as I can. Still not enough to keep it in though.
Need sleep but don’t want it. Exhausted yet fight it. Another night alone my fate. Avoid the stairs, they can’t help me. They lead to salvation… Who wants that!?
Heart breaking. All my own work. 17 years flew by. Now they fly away. Hurt beyond words. Tears uncontrollable. As they should be.
Decision made. Heartbreak inevitable. Certain of only our love. Yet neither of us feeling it fully. Too much doubt and pain. The forest of our love killing us. Slowly blocking out the light. Dreams dying among the leaf litter.
Decision time. A choice to make. The right one please, for everyone’s sake. Try again? The battle of old? Or fight new battles? Let fate unfold.
Dear life it’s me, we need to talk, there’s something I must say. I know you may not want to hear it, but I’ll say it anyway. Please understand, I say this from the bottom of my heart, you need to know what we had is gone, it’s time for a new start.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
The hardest nights are the ones where you’re here, but then you leave. When we laugh and we joke and we speak and we shout and we argue and we smile. When I’m reminded what family feels like. Then you go and the life leaves the house.
What to say? Where to start? Feel my life being torn apart. Love is painful, but a pain I crave. A lifeblood I struggle to keep or save.